Fashion+motherhood=not happening

Perusing the new “Style Issue” of The New Yorker almost makes me wish I were more into being fashionable. Those of you that know me are snorting with laughter by now, but I’m trying to be serious here!

It’s a brief feeling, to be sure, this desire to be fashionable. It’s down there with the wish that I were into pretty jewelry, expensive, uncomfortable shoes and high-end audio-visual equipment. But these things pass. Quickly.

Then I am jolted back to reality. I am a plus-size mommy in a one and a half income household. I have four dogs that are very fond of eating leather. Two weeks ago, I bought a baby blue wallet at Target for $12.99 simply for its baby-proof qualities because of Auggie’s penchant for relieving my old wallet of its contents in the middle of the grocery store.

If I take off my wedding ring to clean with dangerous chemicals, it can be days before I remember to put it back on. (Sorry, honey, it’s nothing personal. I love being married to you.) I rarely wear earrings, mostly because I fear for my earlobes with a curious, grabby toddler around. As I mentioned earlier, I own a pair of Keds. And not just one! I have several different styles of Keds, some of which I even deem “fashionable.”

Hey, I did buy a cool pair of Nikes on sale a couple of weeks ago. They’re those cool ones that don’t have any laces, you know? I’ve gotten tons of compliments on them from total strangers that looked adequately stylish, so that must count for something, right?

(Just don’t tell my friend Michael that I bought Nikes, because a few years ago, during the sweatshop scandal, he made me feel really guilty for owning a pair, which I purchased pre-scandal.)

OK, enough superficial nonsense. There are important things to be discussed! Such as my friends, Chris and Shelley, who are expecting a baby any day now! Please take a moment to send them good, pain-free birthing experience, healthy baby and mommy, super-easy first days, natural nursing baby thoughts. You guys are in my thoughts all the time, and I wish you both the best!

My recommendation for your last days as “normal people”? Go see a movie. I totally miss seeing movies. I know most people recommend to sleep as much as possible, but I found this completely impossible during that last week. I was too excited to meet Auggie, too worried about what labor was going to be like, too moony-eyed over pictures of breastfeeding mommies and babies on my favorite web site and too uncomfortable to lay around for long.

And if you want to stop answering the phone, that’s OK. I know that all those people calling to ask if the baby is here yet are driving you nuts. Just know that if you don’t answer the phone, they are going to assume that you are in labor. Maybe you could make some kind of answering machine announcement? ‘Sorry we missed your call. No, Shelley is not in labor yet. We promise that you will be the first person we call as soon as the contractions are five minutes apart. Really. Ta-ta!’

It fun to think about fun things right now. All this 9/11 stuff is bumming me out. Maybe I’ll talk a little more about it tomorrow (along with everyone else out there, right?) One Beth guarantee that you can take to the bank: There will be no poetry here!

Oh! I almost forgot! Auggie slept until almost 6 last night! Bliss! Joy! Thanks for the sleepy thoughts!